Is the Pandemic Changing Dating Culture for the Better?
Hinge. Bumble. Tinder. If you don’t have at least one of those apps on your phone, are you even dating?
Online dating has become the norm for meeting potential partners, particularly for younger generations. For women, this has meant changing our strategies for first dates. Safety is constantly on our minds, making dating in the digital age an anxiety inducing experience for many. How could it not? I mean, The Tinder Swindler is topping the Netflix charts right now – and what about all those true crime podcasts?
The internet and the development of dating apps has changed the way our society looks at dating in general. The narrative surrounding dating is no longer what we see in the movies – an unexpected “meet-cute” in a public space – but rather a private, deliberate activity. A determined search for a soulmate, some may say. This shift in the collective imagination of love has been powerful – some studies have revealed that online dating has become the third most common way to meet a partner. Modern technologies, like smartphones and the internet, lent a key role to this change – and the pandemic only accelerated them.
As a 21-year-old college student at a big urban university, I became fascinated with the dating and hook-up culture of my peers. Why was it so normal for our friends to send us their locations when they go on dates? Why is “text me when you get home, let me know if you need me” a message we send to each other on the regular? Is this culture of gendered violence ever going to end?
Turns out, the pandemic seems to be lessening those anxieties for some women. In 2020, I began working on a research project with Professor Linda Blum, a qualitative sociologist at Northeastern University whose research includes a focus on contemporary gender relations. We interviewed 40 students and recent graduates, asking about their experiences during the COVID-19 pandemic. As an offshoot of that project, Professor Blum and I focused on questions of dating and hook-up culture and how they have changed in the pandemic – particularly for young adults, like myself.
There is already lots of existing research on the hook-up cultures of college students. In Lisa Wade’s book, American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus, she emphasizes the sexual freedom that modern hook-up cultures have provided for young women. However, she also highlights the concerns about sexual violence and gender inequities that women are predominantly the victims of.
Our research found the same patterns. Many of our interview participants described that, as women, they do have more autonomy in their dating and sex lives. Yet, they still have to worry about violence and prepare for something risky to happen. Some participants talked about having escape plans if their date is “bad news” or that girls should be prepared for the possibility that their date is too aggressive. Date rape is one of many frightening possibilities young women can encounter. One participant described how men have the power in deciding how a relationship progresses – both emotionally and sexually.
But, in talking more with our participants about their dating and sex lives during the pandemic, we noticed a shift in how people view “dating safety.” Both men and women seem to be taking more time to see if potential partners are worth meeting. Some described taking more steps in the “talking stages” before planning to meet up in person. This looks like texting or messaging for longer, having FaceTime or Zoom dates, or doing more public activities, like going on walks or having picnics – rather than more intimate, typical dates, like dinner and drinks or a movie at home. Interview participants described that these conversations about COVID safety happen amongst both men and women, creating a more balanced participation in dating safety discourses.
Before the pandemic, conversations and worries about safety while dating happened mostly about women, among women. Now, because there is a heightened concern for everyone’s health and safety in the pandemic, we may be moving away from gendered violence as a norm in young adult dating culture. If we get to know our potential partners better before meeting them in person, young women may be able to filter out those they should be skeptical of. Interviewees were hopeful that some of these COVID dating practices will carry over post-pandemic and create healthier and safer dating and hook-up experiences in the future.
“I feel like these COVID dating ways will hopefully continue... it’ll make people a lot safer too...” says one of our participants, a recent graduate now living in New York City. “It’ll take a lot of pressure off girls.” If the norms being established in the pandemic continue, perhaps dating and hook-up culture will become safer. Taking the time to get to know someone better with FaceTime dates and frequent texting may minimize the anxieties girls face, like staying on dates they aren’t enjoying or going home with someone they might not want to continue seeing. They’ll have a better understanding of who their date is and what their intentions may be.
Rather than having a “worth the risk” mentality concerning COVID safety, maybe we will all start considering whether someone is worth our time. Will these precautionary habits continue as we ride out this pandemic? As COVID starts looking more and more like a permanent aspect of our society, only time will tell if safety in other parts of our lives will remain a priority.
This piece was written as an assignment for Making Anthropology Public (ANTH 4580) taught by Professor Carie Hersh at Northeastern University
